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SELF HATRED & ASKING FOR HELP

The past week at school was perhaps the worst I have experienced in my life. We had a project where we worked intensely on personal development and reflection on one’s persona. I had tasks where I had to expose my deepest of secrets to people I don’t want to dislike me. Already at lunch I panicked and wanted to leave. My program managers and my project partner had long talks with me convincing me not to. I sat down in front of my classmates with my body shaking violently, hysterically, trying to find words but instead I choked and teared up. The task was reading out my weaknesses and see how we could turn them into opportunities. I couldn’t. Instead my head was flooded with self hatred and doubts so reading it aloud slashed up all infected old wounds and shames for all to evaluate. The following two days I wept nonstop, thinking that this, this is when I die.

For the first time, probably ever, I had to ask for help regarding my personal issues. And it took more than courage – it took fucking vulnerability. I was sure they’d hate me but nobody even frowned or found me disgusting when my whole body shook from fear and sobs. Instead they grew from being able to help. And their help was invaluable. I keep on thinking I know myself and have my shit together, but I don’t at all actually, which is fine too. Nobody fucking has, but we all go around pretending, feeling lost alone.

During these nights Daniel stayed up with me on Skype, trying to comfort me for hours and hours, and on Saturday he arrived in Stockholm.

We stayed in bed and I read out loud all the things I had written down during the week that I feared that people would find out about me. I told him about my eating disorder as a teenager and my loneliness in not being open with my parents. I told him about how I’m scared to talk about my feelings because I’ve never leaned on anybody and that’s why I write so much because then nothing of it seems real. I told him about everything that hurt. But also everything I am proud of and the tools I was given on what to do to not ache as much anymore. He just listened. Patiently, attentively.

– I will help you get through this, Linn. I promise. And it will take time, but that is fine. We will do it in your pace.

I didn’t have any tears left, just hollowness and relief. So I hugged his chest as he held me, listening to his lungs and his silent worries. Then we laid in bed, eating cheese doodles and sweets naked, binge-watching House of Cards and talking laughing breathing. I think he felt relieved too. I texted my project partner I did it.

He’s my rockstar Daniel, but this is my battle and I’m going to get through this only by pushing myself to open up. It will take a long time, but I will. I am just so grateful to go to a school that works so much with mental health.

 

Linn

This is the hardest text I’ve written because it reveals so much of what I doubt about myself. But the stigma around self hatred, especially for females, has to stop. And it’s important to seek help from professionals! Maybe we can help each other by sharing?

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  • […] I hate aching but it is almost worst not to Overexposed Memories Self-hatred and asking for help […]

    BYE LONDON - Linn Wiberg 2015-04-23 19:43:18 http://radarmagazine.se/linnwiberg/bye-london/
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  • You’re amazing Linn! Wauw. So honest and vulnerable. You’re such an inspiration. And Daniel, what a dreamy guy. I just want to hug both of you, you seem to take good care of each other. As it should be. Have a great weekend!

    Josephine 2015-03-13 15:44:40
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  • Thank you for being brave enough to be so authentic and unequivocally you! You don’t know how much your honest and soul-baring words have helped over the past year(s)? since I’ve started reading your blog – you make me feel less alone and weird and fucked-up. I know I only see a little snippet of your internet life but you are cool and have a kick-ass and inspiring attitude and are genuinely a relatable inspiration. This comment is a little bit rambled and messy but it’s nearly midnight and I’m up writing/not writing an essay for a course that doesn’t move me and heck reading your blog makes me feel good, it’s like knowing there’s someone who in all the muck has their head on right and is fighting this worthy fight. Not saying anything properly but – you’re the best! Keep on keeping on, <3 <3

    Malena 2015-03-12 23:57:38
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  • tusen kramar <3 du är så modig, cool och bra!

    Emilia 2015-03-12 23:06:23 http://eewmiliaa.blogg.se
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  • Beundrar dig mer än nånsin efter att ha läst dethär inlägget (och då beundrade jag dig ändå tokmycket sen gammalt). Fan vad modig du är. Kram och heja.

    Hanna 2015-03-12 22:22:31
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  • Så modig och grym! <3 Tror att de flesta kan relatera, och jag tycker det är så fint att du delar med dig. Du kommer fixa det!

    Beatrice 2015-03-12 21:39:26 http://klacksko.se
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  • Igenkänningsfaktorn här alltså. Tycker du är så modig som vågar outa dig. Vill bara ge dig en kram.

    Nastasja 2015-03-12 20:26:00 http://nastasja.blogg.se
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  • Wow. My eyes are all teared up, you are so brave! I think I would feel exactly the same, I had a period from when I was about six until I was eighteen that I ran away from all my feelings, didn’t think about what hurt and didn’t tell anyone that I felt bad and that something was wrong. Had a real dark period for a year until I started seeing my boyfriend and as hard as it was he started helping me through it. 2 years later and I’m probably nowhere close to feeling really good and having my shit together but I’m much closer and hey, who really have their shit together? So anyway, really brave of you to talk and write about this (I still haven’t told anyone but my boyfriend how I really feel). You go girl! And even though we don’t know each other at all I’m here if you want to talk <3 You're really an inspiration to me so anything I can do to help someone that feel as bad as me, I would gladly do it.

    Mikaela 2015-03-12 19:56:41
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  • det är så knäppt hur det kan kännas att man känner folk fastän man inte gör det bara för att man läser deras ord och tankar på internet, men du växer hela tiden i mina ögon. du är en sån förebild och så så så himla stark. Tack.

    daniella 2015-03-12 18:54:08 http://daniellacaspian.blogg.se
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  • Känner verkligen igen mig så himla mycket i din text, du är grym som vågar skriva ner och klicka på publicera, fler borde göra det! Massa pepp och kramar från mig, PUSS!

    Michelle 2015-03-12 18:08:59 http://michelleserra.webblogg.se/
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  • Älskar dig <3

    Hedvig 2015-03-12 16:26:04
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  • <3

    Natalie 2015-03-12 12:00:43
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  • Så förbannat starkt av dig! Och du är så jävla grym som vågar dela med dig. Massvis med cyberkramar <3

    Annelie Komorowska 2015-03-12 11:13:04 http://liebeskoma.blogspot.se/
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  • Fan vad stark du är som skriver om detta! Känner verkligen igen mig så himla mycket.

    Ebba 2015-03-12 10:47:28 http://ebbaoctavias.blogg.se
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  • <3

    julia 2015-03-12 10:34:34 http://lethologica.blogg.se
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  • Jag grät. Jag bara grät. Kanske för att jag känner igen mig i så mycket, kanske för att du skriver så bra, men jag grät. Superpepp till dig härifrån!

    Beatrice 2015-03-12 10:13:49 http://herbariumet.blogg.se
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  • oh self-hatred. som jag känner igen mig i din text. så starkt och viktigt av dig att ta upp detta.

    elise 2015-03-12 10:11:41 http://singmyspring.blogspot.com
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  • Blir tårögd. Så himla starkt gjort, och vad stark DU är. Någon gång borde jag göra detsamma men ser inte det hända inom snar framtid. Tänk att ätstörningar kan jaga en så många år. Massa kramar

    Dani 2015-03-12 10:06:32
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  • <3 Känner igen mig i detta också. Känner själv i alla fall att det är lätt att tänka att man är öppen med det mesta, men sen finns det ju de där grejerna man verkligen inte vill att någon annan ska få reda på, det som man skäms över och som är jobbigt på riktigt. hejar på dig, så bra att du vågar skriva om detta!

    Sofia 2015-03-12 09:29:17
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  • BABY <3

    Kajsa 2015-03-12 09:12:32
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  • Starkt <3 Tack för att du delar med dig, det betyder mycket.

    rymd-lisa 2015-03-12 09:12:10
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  • Starkt. <3

    Hanna 2015-03-12 08:49:40
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  • <3 !!!!!!!

    frida 2015-03-12 08:39:46 http://fridareg.tumblr.com
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  • denna text hit home extremely. Starkt av dig att dela med dig. Verkligen något jag behövde läsa en morgon som denna, att alla inte är så starka och att jag inte är ensam i att känna mig sol jag gör.

    Rebecka 2015-03-12 08:33:16 http://www.sentimentalheart.devote.se
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  • Detta är så så så starkt och modigt och även vackert. Fan vad du är grym. Heja.

    Flora 2015-03-12 07:02:52 http://florasblogg.se
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  • I can so relate to this, you keep it all in and then all of a sudden you’re faced with everything that you’ve ever tried to push away and it’s too much to handle. It seems reasonable that it would all come out at one point, but it still surprises you when it actually does.

    Linny 2015-03-12 06:56:42
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  • Wow I find this so brave. And helpful. Thank you Linn for sharing.

    Ellie 2015-03-12 06:50:26 http://www.cloudyshoes.com
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